Why does using correct pronouns matter?

Have you ever introduced yourself to someone and no matter how many times you remind them of your name, they just never get it right? Let me tell you - growing up with the name "Alexina" has led to MANY conversations like this. There may be several reasons why people don't remember, but sometimes they just don't want to put in the effort.

Pronouns are very similar. They are just as important to be used correctly as people's names. They carry our identity; they are tied to our sense of self, our sexuality (even asexuality), our gender (yes, they are different), and so many other aspects or ourselves. So, why does using correct pronouns matter? When you use preferred/correct pronouns, it signals several things:

1) You are affirming their identity

2) You are creating an inclusive space

3) You are showing respect and care for them

It can feel nerve-racking to think about misgendering people, especially when we care about them. And I'm gonna tell you, it's definitely going to happen at some point, but that's okay! Making mistakes is how we learn, and how we recover is really important. People will see you trying and adapting, and they will give you a lot of grace.

So, how do we do this? There are really simple steps to work on this:

1) PRACTICE!!!! - Have conversations about them on your own to practice saying the correct pronouns. If writing is your jam, try writing a journal entry or create a story with them as the main character. Practicing with a friend can also be helpful because you can both gently correct each other and create accountability. Quick tip - if you catch yourself misgendering the person (either in public or on your own), find a few seconds to be able to say their name and correct pronouns three times to yourself. Doing it as close to the mistake as possible will help your brain connect it to the person.

2) Change it in your phone - Most contacts now have a space for this info, so having it there can be a useful reminder as well.

3) Take accountability but don't over apologize - Generally, simply correcting yourself after making a mistake great, but if you feel compelled to acknowledge it, a quick "sorry" or "thank you" then the correction is all you need. Over apologizing or justifying your mistake quickly shifts the experience to being about you instead of the person you're talking to/about. If you start going on about how hard it is to change or that you've been practicing for hours to try to get it right, chances are that your friend is going to have to minimize their own hurt/discomfort to prioritize yours.

4) Normalize using pronouns and gender neutral language - Asking people's pronouns when you meet them or introducing yourself with yours not only lets people know that you are trying to create an inclusive space, but it encourages others to do the same and demystifies the whole process! In groups, using gender neutral terms like "peeps," "humans, "folx," "fam," "celestial beings," etc! It can be fun to come up with your own!

As always, intentions are important, but impact always matters. Try your best, give it a good effort and people with see that you are trying. That can go a long way. It will definitely take time and practice, but you are capable of hard things and at the end of the day, it will be extremely meaningful for someone. And we all have the BASIC right to be respected and accepted as who we are.

This is obviously not an exhaustive list, but they are things can can help you get started. Do you have any other tips that work for you?

Remember - you're worth the time it takes to be comfy in your own skin <3

~Alexina :)

_______________________________________________________________________

If you googled "find a therapist near me" and I popped up for you, or found me another way and you're interested in knowing more about my approach, click here to book a free 15 min consult to see if we're a good fit :)

If you're interested in more bite-sized content, check out my socials!